It’s no secret: animals are out to kill us. While we spend hundreds of billions of dollars fighting the terrorist threat overseas, animal sleeper cells are biding their time, veloping strange and fabulous powers far beyond those of man. Hawks sharpening their talons. Giant squids flexing their suckers. Dolphins waggling their prehensile penises. And leading the brigade, a very special cat thatknows when you’re going to die. And that’s only the tip of the furry iceberg.

So, as a public service, we’ve decided to profile some of the world’s most superpowered creatures. As far as we know, none of them are on the Endangered Species list. Though with the help of fear mongering articles like this, and some generous gun control legislation, we can change all that. If we don’t, it just may be us humans living in protected enclosures and spending our days watching pornography to encourage mating behavior like nature’s loser, the Panda.

8.The Animal: Gecko

The Power: Atomic Climbing

How It Works: When they’re not using their British accents to hawk car insurance, geckos spend their time scurrying up surfaces with the ease of a machine specifically designed to do the same. But this isn’t just some snail-class gooey shit climbing we’re talking about here.Every square millimeter of a gecko’s footpads contains 14,000 tiny hairs, called setae, each of which branches into around 500 little tiny “spatulae” so small that they are below the wavelength of visible light. Using these invisible, atomic micromicromicrofibers,geckos are able to harness van der Waals interactions on a molecular level, sticking to almost every known surface outside of Teflon. Their grip is so strong, if it used all of its gripping power at once, a single adult gecko could hold aloft 290 lbs. At this point, it’s important to note that our brave men and women in uniform almost all weigh under 290 lbs., making them prime targets for roving bands of gecko hurl-squads??.

Spirit Animal Of: Spider-Man, The Human Fly, Dan Osmond

Additional Powers: Can lick their own eyeballs, and expel feces when threatened. Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Outfit our soldiers with the latest in Teflon bodysuit technology.

7.The Animal: Bombardier Beetle

The Power: Energy Blasts

How It Works: A number of animal species are able to project ink, foul-smelling chemicals, or feces from their bodies. But in these cases, there is little to fear beyond stained clothing, a tomato sauce bath, or social ostracism. The bombardier beetle, however, takes bodily expulsion to a new threat level by harnessing the power of chemical reactions to release a boiling, exploding liquid from its body up to seventy times per encounter. In short, it shits napalm. We don’t even need to explain what kind of threat this poses to our citizens and toilet paper industry alike.

Spirit Animal Of: Me after a night of Tijuana-style Jalapeño Dogs.??

Additional Powers: Starred in a children’s book that purports to disprove the Theory of Evolution.Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Spiking the beetle’s natural food source with boxes upon boxes of Gas-X??.

6.The Animal: Platypus

The Power: Electrolocation

How It Works: Count your senses. If you’re fortunate, you’ve got one hand raised, five fingers splayed in sensorial triumph. If you’re less fortunate, a birth defect or lathe accident has knocked you down to three or four, or else you got your fingers chopped off in a bar fight. But if you’re a Platypus, you get to raise six fingers, all presumably snapped from the hands of girl scouts and dangling from a malevolent bill??. Platapi?? are monotremes (the only other monotreme is the echidna, who we already know are after our Chaos Emeralds??), a type of mammal endowed with the sixth sense of electroreception, the ability to sense electric fields generated by muscular contraction. That means they can sense your directional location if you so much as move a muscle. Even a blind, deaf Platypus with no sense of smell knows right where you are, and he and his echidna friends are on their way. With tire irons. And they’re angry drunk.

Spirit Animal Of: Daredevil, Radar O’Reilly, the raptors from the kitchen scene of Jurassic Park.

Additional Powers: Venemous talons on each foot, egg-laying, and the cruel mockery of all evolutionary and natural law.

Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Convince them that their “protected habitat” is a Faraday Cage.

5.The Animal: Hummingbird

The Power: Superspeed

How It Works: Hummingbirds do everything fast. They’ve got the fastest metabolism of any animal other than insects, their heart rate can get up to 1,260 beats per minute, and they can flap their wings up to 70 times a second. One can only imagine the horrifying speed with

which they’d fire shoulder-mounted rockets at our school buses. This incredible speed makes the Hummingbird the only animal capable of hovering in midair, and even flying backwards. The only device we have that can match them in aerial agility is the helicopter, and that’s got nothing on them for nectar-drinking ability. If terrorists ever decide to design and manufacture Hummingbird pistols, we’re going to be in for mobile, whirling vortices of sheer bullet.

Spirit Animal Of: This guy.

Additional Powers: A bifurcated tongue, the ability to hibernate in times of food shortage, and the observed ability to fly over 500 miles without stopping to sleep or eat. Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Because of their speed, hummingbirds need to eat up to five times their own body weight in nectar per day. Destroy the flowers, and we’ve got hese bastards on the run.

4.The Animal: Archer Fish

The Power: Sharpshooting

How It Works: The archerfish of India and Polynesia feed primarily on insects. Only, unlike normal, International Law-abiding fish, they don’t just wait for a bug to fly into the water and drown. The archerfish uses a specially-shaped lower jaw to shoot a jet of water up to fifteen feet long to knock insects out of overhanging branches. They are such skilled marksman that they can routinely shoot and kill an insect six feet above the surface of the water, while compensating for light refraction. Which is all well and good when they’re only shooting at bugs; let the animals wipe each other out, we say. But how long can we allow our children to cavort and play on the branches overhanging Polynesian rivers before we lose one to these deadly snipers?

Spirit Animal Of: Leon from The Professional, Simo Hayha??, Robin of Loxley??

Additional Powers: Enough PR to get two U.S. submarines named after them.Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Polluting some of the world’s rivers might fuzzy up their aim a bit. Get on it.

3.The Animal: Ring-tailed Cat

The Power: Agility

How It Works: Your average house cat is already fairly threatening:claws, the evil eye, and an internal “righting mechanism” that guarantees that no matter how high a building you drop them off of, the best you’re going to get is four broken kitty legs. Enter the ring-tailed cat, probably shimmying backwards down a pipe. The ring-tail cat has taken “cat-like agility” to an absurd degree, routinely performing cartwheels on narrow branches in order to change direction,rotating their feet up to 180 degrees, and climbing up cervices in rock by ricochet-jumping back and forth between each side. That’s right; they can’t just out-agile us, they’ve got to rub it in our faces too??. Word has it the Russians are busy recruiting ring-taileds for their 2012 floor gymnastics team. All that, and the evil eye is strong as ever.

Spirit Animal Of: Altair from Assassin’s Creed, Sam Fischer, Shawn Johnson

Additional Powers: The ring-tailed cat is omnivorous. Now, we don’t want to frighten anyone unduly, but did you know that the literal translation of omnivorous is “eats everything?” Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: A nation-wide pole-greasing campaign.

2.The Animal: Anglerfish

The Power: Post-Mortem(死后的) Impregnation

How It Works: Even a carpet bombing of the sea floor may not be enough to wipe these things out for good (although it’s not a bad start). Some particularly stubborn anglerfish species are able to procreate even from beyond the watery grave. The males of the species, when they

find a female, will proceed with foreplay in the manner any of us would: by biting into her skin, then secreting an enzyme that dissolves his lips and part of her body, permanently attaching himself to her in the form of a decaying food tube. At the other end of the tube are the gonads, primed to release their precious payload at the woman’s discretion. That’s the human equivalent of stapling your nuts?? to an ex-girlfriend, on the premise that “she might need them later.”

Spirit Animal Of: Every needy boyfriend who ever “accidentally” left something at your apartment so he could drop by to pick it up.

Additional Powers: Bioluminescent head-lures, extreme resistance to undersea water pressure, camouflage.Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: An abundant supply of morning after pills .

1.The Animal: Octopus

The Power: Every fucking thing

How It Works: The Octopus may very well be the biggest threat to national security since brown people. They’re the most intelligent invertebrate in the world, can detach their arms, spray ink, move in perfect cadence with underwater currents, squeeze through any space larger than a quarter, and change color to blend in with their surroundings. Due to the inordinate number of superhuman powers they were granted, current biological studies assert that they may, in fact, be God.

Spirit Animal Of: Mr. Fantastic, Captain Marvel (the shitty one), Dr.Zoidberg

Additional Powers: Not that they need any, but researchers now believe that some octopi are capable of walking on land on two legs, while disguising themselves as a coconut. So the next time you’re going to make piña coladas, blend first and ask questions later. Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: If the octopi are attacking, there’s really not a whole lot we can do. The best plan would be to nuke the Earth to hell and start over. There’s a good chance the radioactive mutants spawned in the apocalypse won’t be as powerful or weird looking, anyway.

這點已經(jīng)不是什么秘密了: 動物早就處心積慮地想干掉人類了。當(dāng)我們正在花費數(shù)千億美元，去打擊那些海外恐怖威脅時，動物恐怖組織正在抓緊時間，它們拼命進化著各種古怪離奇、大異于人類的超能力。鷹隼時刻磨礪自己的爪牙、巨型魷魚津津樂道于修煉它們的吸盤觸手、海豚不時擺動長長的陰莖。一只知道你何時會死的怪貓，成了它們的帶頭大哥。而這只是動物們計劃中微不足道的冰山一角。

那么，作為一種公共服務(wù)，我們決定簡要介紹一下，這些世界上超能力最強的動物。而且據(jù)我們所知，這些家伙都不在瀕危物種名單上。雖然有其它像本文這樣散布恐懼的文章，再加上松懈的槍支監(jiān)管條例，我們可以把它們趕上名單。如果我們不這樣做的話，那么我們?nèi)祟愐仓慌渖�活在籠子里，每天靠看看色情雜志刺激的交配活動來打發(fā)時間，就像大自然中的淘汰者，熊貓一樣。

現(xiàn)在公布超能力排名:

排名第八的動物: 壁虎

能力: 強力攀登

原理: 當(dāng)它們不用英國口音來兜售汽車保險時，壁虎們就花時間改用專門裝備在光滑墻面上一溜小跑地繼續(xù)工作。當(dāng)然我們在這里討論的，可不是那些用蝸牛糞便之類的黏性分泌物來做到這點。在壁虎的腳趾上，每平方毫米就包含1.4萬根稱之為棘毛的細小毛發(fā)，每根毛約有500個如同微型鏟刀樣的分叉，每個分叉的粗細竟小于可見光的波長。利用這些肉眼不可見的、原子級大小的纖維組織，壁虎能夠利用分子之間相互作用的范德華力，并能在除了特氟�。ń裣ψ�1）以外任意一種表面攀爬。它們的抓力是如此強大，如果全力以赴，一個成年壁虎能夠舉起290磅的東西。在這方面要注意的重點是，我們勇敢的男女士兵們，體重幾乎沒幾個達到 290磅的。這讓他們成為了神出鬼沒的壁虎小隊的首選目標(biāo)。

同類: 蜘蛛俠、人蠅、丹·奧斯蒙德。
額外能力: 可以舔自己的眼球，受到威脅時噴出糞便。

如果它們動手了，我們唯一的防御手段: 讓士兵們配上最新特氟隆技術(shù)的緊身衣褲。

排名第七的動物: 放屁蟲

能力: 能量爆炸

原理: 一些動物能噴出墨水、惡臭物質(zhì)、糞便。但是，如果技止于此，那么除了被玷污的衣服、淋上的番茄醬浴、或是被社會排斥外就不用擔(dān)心其它事了。然而，對放屁蟲來說，一旦感到威脅就會在身體中產(chǎn)生化學(xué)反，就能在沖突中實現(xiàn)瞬間噴射70余次，時刻刷新放屁排行榜。簡言之，它隨身攜帶著凝固汽油彈。我們甚至不需要解釋，這會對我國居民和草紙行業(yè)產(chǎn)生怎樣的威脅。

同類: 我曾跟在一群蒂華納辣椒犬后面整整一晚上。

額外能力: 在童話書中擔(dān)任主角，旨在對抗進化論。

如果它們動手了，我們唯一的防御手段: 用裝滿Ｘ氣體的盒子來阻斷這種甲蟲的天然食物來源。

排名第六的動物: 鴨嘴獸

能力: 電磁定位

原理: 先試試你的感官能力。如果你走運的話，你可以抬起一只手，讓五指張開去感覺一下勝利。如果你不那么走運，一出生就會有先天殘廢，或是在車禍中撞掉你三四個指頭，要么你的手是在酒吧斗爭中被整個砍斷。但如果你是一只鴨嘴獸的話，你就能豎起6根中指，當(dāng)然接下來就會死在在女童子軍手里、或是因為惡意挑釁被吊死。鴨嘴獸是單孔目動物（剩下的另一種是針鼴，當(dāng)我們吃到一塊混沌翡翠(今夕注2)之后就會知道它的無敵），這是一種天賦的第六感，有電磁感應(yīng)能力的哺乳動物，能感覺到肌肉收縮而產(chǎn)生的電場。這就意味著你一噘屁股，它們就知道你會干啥。即使一只又聾又瞎、嗅覺失靈的鴨嘴獸也知道你在那里，醉醺醺還帶著大鐵棍，它和針鼴哥們這就來找你。

同類: 夜魔俠，雷達奧賴利，侏羅紀公園廚房里的那條迅猛龍。

額外能力: 腳上有毒爪，會下蛋，并對所有的進化和自然法則殘忍嘲弄。

如果它們動手了，我們唯一的防御手段: 施展魅力，讓它們相信“保護棲息地”是在電籠里。

排名第五的動物: 蜂鳥

能力: 超級速度

原理: 蜂鳥做什么事都很快。它們的新陳代謝是除某些昆蟲外最快的，每秒心跳有1260次，每秒翅膀拍打70次。速度有多快？想想我們的校車上帶著運載火箭是什么樣子就行。最令人難以置信的是，在如此高速下，蜂鳥還是唯一能夠在空中懸停、甚至倒飛的動物。我們?nèi)祟愇ㄒ荒芘c它們匹敵的飛行器只有直升機了，當(dāng)然喝花蜜這點是沒得比了。如果恐怖分子決定設(shè)計制造蜂鳥手槍的話，我們將深陷無處不在的子彈漩渦中。

同類: 除了這家伙就沒別人了。

額外能力: 一條分叉的舌頭,食品不夠了還能冬眠，加上曾被觀察到不眠不休、不吃不喝連飛500公里。

如果它們動手了，我們唯一的防御手段: 由于飛行速度太快，蜂鳥每天要吃自己體重5倍的花蜜。毀掉所有花朵，這樣我們就能把這些小混蛋送上西天了。

排名第四的動物: 射水魚

能力: 精準(zhǔn)射擊

原理: 在印度和波利尼西亞，射水魚的主食是昆蟲。但和我們平時看到的魚不一樣，它可不是什么遵紀守法、守株待兔的家伙。射水魚用它那專門進化的下顎噴出一條15 尺長的水柱，專敲那些蠢蟲的悶棍。它們都是熟練的神射手，它們可以自己調(diào)整光的折射，然后一口水打下離水面6尺以上的蟲子。這太好了，它們只對付蟲子；就讓這些動物自相殘殺吧，我們都這樣想的吧。不過，在我們的孩子被這些致命的狙擊手干掉前，還能讓孩子們在波利尼西亞河流域玩多久呢？

同類: 專業(yè)殺手萊昂，西莫.海亞，露舍利的羅賓漢（今夕注3）。

額外能力: 良好的公關(guān)關(guān)系讓兩艘美國潛艇以它命名。

如果它們動手了，我們唯一的防御手段: 污染世界上某些河流，可能會讓它們的視線模糊一點。趕快動手。

排名第三的動物: 環(huán)尾貓

能力: 靈活敏捷

原理: 普通家貓已經(jīng)夠恐怖了: 利爪、邪眼、內(nèi)部的“平衡系統(tǒng)”；而且可以保證，不管把它從多高的建筑物上扔下來也死不了，你能得到的最好結(jié)果也只是這貓四腿骨折而已。再來看看環(huán)尾貓，它居然可以倒退爬下一條搖晃的管道。環(huán)尾貓能把“貓一樣的靈活敏捷”發(fā)揮到一種近乎荒謬的程度，它們甚至在細樹枝上側(cè)手翻，只是為了轉(zhuǎn)個方向而已，它們還能把腳旋轉(zhuǎn)180度，甚至是在巖壁兩邊來回彈跳著向上攀爬。天哪，它們不僅比我們敏捷得多，還讓我們看上去很愚蠢。有報道說俄羅斯正忙于招募環(huán)尾貓參加 2012年室內(nèi)體操賽。就這樣，邪眼的魔力更勝往昔（今夕注，魔戒里的話）。

同類: “刺客信條”里的阿泰爾，山姆·費雪，肖恩·約翰遜（今夕注4）.

額外能力: 環(huán)尾貓是雜食動物�，F(xiàn)在，我們不想過分驚嚇任何人，但您知道么“雜食性”如果直譯就是“什么都吃”！

如果它們動手了，我們唯一的防御手段: 在全國范圍內(nèi)的"桿上涂油"運動。

排名第二的動物: 鮟鱇魚

能力: 死后受孕

原理: 即使在海底進行地毯式轟炸也不可能完全消滅這些東西（雖然這算是個不錯的開始）。有些特別難對付的鮟鱇魚甚至可以在死后懷孕。當(dāng)它們中的雄性發(fā)現(xiàn)雌性后，會像我們?nèi)祟愐粯哟螳I殷勤: 輕咬她的皮膚，分泌一種神秘的酶，把自己的嘴唇和她部分身體溶解，讓自己的身體成為一條食管永久附著在伴侶身上。管子的另一頭是性腺，由雌性決定何時將寶貴的生命種子釋放到她體內(nèi)。這就相當(dāng)于男人總會在前女友哪里留上點什么東西，以便“她以后需要我”時就能……（今夕注，這幾段有點Ａ，意思反正是到了）

同類: 每一個“不小心”在前女友那兒留下些東西，然后以找回為借口約會的男生。

額外能力: 腦袋上長著發(fā)光誘餌，能適應(yīng)深海壓力，偽裝術(shù)。

如果它們動手了，我們唯一的防御手段: 大量供應(yīng)避孕藥（事后丸）。

排名第一的動物: 章魚

能力: 每件麻煩事它都有份

原理: 除了棕皮人（今夕注5）以外，對國家安全最危險的家伙就屬它了。它們算是世界上最聰明的無脊椎動物，而且還能自斷觸手、噴射墨汁、以完美的節(jié)奏順著水流活動，能擠過不比二角五分硬幣大多少的空間，并能變色以融入周圍環(huán)境。由于超能力多到離譜，目前生物學(xué)研究可以斷言: 那可以算是，而且事實上就是，神跡。

同類: 奇幻先生，神奇上尉和龍蝦醫(yī)生。（今夕注6）

額外能力: 事實上它們不太需要額外的能力了，但研究者相信某些章魚可以用兩條腿在陸地上行走，就是看上去好像一只椰子。所以，下次你做果汁混合酒時，先調(diào)味后說話，免得順手把章魚加進去。

如果它們動手了，我們唯一的防御手段: 如果章魚真開始攻擊了，我們到時候也做不了什么。最好的計劃就是將地球變成核地獄吧，讓文明重新起源吧。反正，如果運氣好的話，輻射后的突變體應(yīng)該不會太強大或是太丑陋吧。