Your cell phone is ringing. Your inbox is overflowing. Your friend wants to discuss her son's glue-sniffing habit. Martha Beck has news for you—you don't have to Be There for all people all the time. Just follow her escape routes.

    手機(jī)鈴聲響個(gè)不停，收件箱爆滿(mǎn)，朋友想討論她兒子吸強(qiáng)力膠（以達(dá)麻醉、迷幻效果）的習(xí)慣。Martha Beck告訴你——你不必事事、時(shí)時(shí)幫助每個(gè)人，遵循她的“逃跑”路線(xiàn)吧。

    The great English writer E.M. Forster may have valued connection above all else, but for us 21st-century folks, disconnection is as necessary as connection for creating a healthy, happy life. When we force ourselves to connect against our heart's desires, we create false, resentful relationships; when we disconnect from the people who deplete us, we set them free to find their tribes while we find ours. I've listed some of my favorite disconnection strategies below, in the hope that you might find them useful.

    偉大英國(guó)作家愛(ài)德華·摩根·福斯特也許把關(guān)系看得比什么都重要，但是對(duì)21世紀(jì)的我們來(lái)說(shuō)，想要過(guò)健康快樂(lè)的生活，脫離關(guān)系和擁有關(guān)系一樣必要。違背心愿建立的關(guān)系是虛假、怨恨的關(guān)系；當(dāng)我們脫離那些損耗我們的人，我們給了他們尋找同類(lèi)的自由，也給了我們自己尋找同類(lèi)的自由。下面列出了一些我最喜愛(ài)的脫離方法，希望有用。

    1. Hide. Blame my high school English teacher—I'll call her Mrs. Jensen—who married at 17, bore her first child at 19, and was a farmwife and mother of four by age 22. When she felt overwhelmed, she'd retreat into a field of tall corn near her house and hide there, listening to her children search for her, until she heard a cry of genuine pain or felt ready to reconnect, whichever came first. "Martha," Mrs. Jensen told me, "every woman needs a cornfield. No matter what's happening in your life, find yourself a cornfield and hide there whenever you need to."

    隱藏。想出這點(diǎn)子，都怪那個(gè)叫Jensen夫人的高中英語(yǔ)老師。她十七歲嫁人，十九歲生下第一個(gè)孩子，二十二歲時(shí)，這農(nóng)婦是四個(gè)孩子的媽。當(dāng)她感到無(wú)法應(yīng)對(duì)時(shí)，她會(huì)躲入她家附近一片高玉米地，聽(tīng)著孩子尋找她的聲音，直到聽(tīng)見(jiàn)真正痛苦的哭喊，或自己準(zhǔn)備恢復(fù)與現(xiàn)實(shí)生活的聯(lián)系。Jensen曾告訴我：“Martha，每個(gè)女人都需要一片玉米地。不管發(fā)生了什么，找到自己的一片玉米地，需要的時(shí)候躲起來(lái)。”

    I've used hundreds of other "cornfields" over the years: cars, forests, hotels, bathrooms. I've been known to hide for days, but even a few minutes can calm my strung-out nerves—or yours. If you don't already have a cornfield, find one now.

    長(zhǎng)期以來(lái)，我用了很多“玉米地”：汽車(chē)、森林、賓館、浴室。我能消失好幾天，這一點(diǎn)讓我出名了。但是即便幾分鐘也能平靜我緊繃的神經(jīng)�；蛘吣阋部梢�。如果你還沒(méi)有一片玉米地，現(xiàn)在就找一個(gè)。

    2. Go primitive. We all know that technological advances have made connection easier than ever before. They've also led some people to think that breaking away is a violation of the social order. At such times, I become downright Amish, religiously committed to avoiding all modern communication technology. I unplug phones, computers, intercoms and fax machines, risking opprobrium, because I know that if I don't lose touch with some of the people who are trying to reach me, I'll lose touch with myself. The over-connected me is a cranky, tired fussbudget. Silence is golden if it keeps me from broadcasting that fretful self into my network of treasured relationships.

    回歸原始。我們都知道技術(shù)進(jìn)步讓聯(lián)系比以往任何時(shí)候都要容易。也讓一些人認(rèn)為逃避是對(duì)社交秩序的侵犯。這時(shí)候，我干脆變成一名門(mén)諾派教徒，虔誠(chéng)地回避一切現(xiàn)代通訊技術(shù)。我冒著被罵的危險(xiǎn)，把電話(huà)、電腦、對(duì)講機(jī)、傳真機(jī)都關(guān)了。因?yàn)槲抑�道，如果我不躲開(kāi)那些要聯(lián)系我的人，我將失去自己。在過(guò)渡聯(lián)系中的那個(gè)“我”是易怒、疲倦、吹毛求疵。如果沉默能避免煩躁的我損害珍貴的關(guān)系，那么它就是金。
 
    3. Play favorites. Your ability to connect is a resource much more precious than money, so manage it well. Make a list of everyone to whom you feel bonded, then consider what kind of return you're getting on your investment. It may sound cold-blooded to say you must divest yourself of the relationships that give you consistent losses, but unless you do this, you'll soon run out of capital, and you'll have no connection energy left to invest in anybody. So, please, decide now to deliberately limit the time and attention you spend on "low yield" relationships. Above all…

    選寵。聯(lián)絡(luò)能力是一種比金錢(qián)更珍貴的東西，所以要好好管理。列出一份你感覺(jué)關(guān)系密切的人名單，然后考慮，從你的投資中會(huì)得到哪類(lèi)回報(bào)。也許要讓自己脫離那些無(wú)益你的關(guān)系。這么說(shuō)聽(tīng)上去冷血，但是如果你不這么做，你將耗盡資本，無(wú)法投資給任何人。所以，請(qǐng)現(xiàn)在就有意識(shí)地限制對(duì)“低產(chǎn)”關(guān)系花的時(shí)間和注意力。首要一點(diǎn)......

    4. Get rid of squid. Squid is my word for people who seem to be missing their backbones but possess myriad sucking tentacles of emotional need. Like many invertebrates, squid appear limp and squishy—but once they get a grip on you, they're incredibly powerful. Masters at catalyzing guilt and obligation, they operate by squeezing pity from everyone they meet. Getting a squid out of your life is never pretty. Tell them straightforwardly that you want them, yes them, to leave now, yes, now. This will be unpleasant. There will be lasting hurt feelings. Don't worry. Squid love hurt feelings. They hoard them, trading them in for pity points when they find another victim—er, friend. Let them go, their coffers bulging.

    除掉魷魚(yú). 在我的詞匯力，魷魚(yú)是那些似乎沒(méi)骨頭，卻長(zhǎng)了無(wú)數(shù)“情感需求”吸吮盤(pán)的人。和許多無(wú)脊椎動(dòng)物一樣，魷魚(yú)看上去柔軟黏糊——可是一旦它們將你抓住就變得無(wú)比有力。身為催成罪惡感和義務(wù)感的大師，他們的伎倆是從每個(gè)見(jiàn)到的人那里博得同情。要從你的生活中除去一只魷魚(yú)不容易。直接告訴他們，你希望他們，對(duì)，正是他們，現(xiàn)在離開(kāi)，馬上離開(kāi)。這令人不快，會(huì)有持久受傷的感覺(jué)。別擔(dān)心，魷魚(yú)喜歡受傷感覺(jué)。他們?cè)诙诜e它們，在找到另一個(gè)受害人（呃，朋友)時(shí)，用它們來(lái)?yè)Q取憐憫。讓他們?nèi)�，你充�?shí)了他們的“囤積”。

    5. Be insensitive. This is a very compassionate way to use your own psychological instincts. Instead of connecting with every person's problems, let yourself feel whether someone really needs your attention, or whether the best gift you can give might be a little abruptness.

    漠然。這是運(yùn)用心理本能時(shí)很慈悲的做法。不要去關(guān)心每個(gè)人的麻煩，而是讓自己感受別人是否是需要你的關(guān)注；也許你能給予的最好禮物是一點(diǎn)魯莽。

    6. Rehearse escape lines. When I'm overextended, I paradoxically become worse at setting boundaries. I end up resorting to rehearsed exit lines. Take the time to rehearse several reliable alternatives. Because, when you're exhausted, a practiced excuse can keep you from wading deeper into relationships you don't need and can't handle.

    排練逃跑臺(tái)詞。當(dāng)我把關(guān)系網(wǎng)拉得過(guò)大，我設(shè)置界限的能力會(huì)變?cè)�。最終，我會(huì)排練逃避臺(tái)詞�；〞r(shí)間排練幾種可靠選擇。因?yàn)楫?dāng)你精疲力竭時(shí)，一個(gè)經(jīng)過(guò)準(zhǔn)備的借口能防止你淌入更深的渾水，避免你卷入既不需要也無(wú)法處理的關(guān)系。

    7. Be shallow. Even staying in touch with a reasonably small number of high-quality people can be overwhelming if you tend toward emotional intensity. In such cases, shallowness can be a delightful alternative. E-mail a stupid joke. Gather your friends to watch TV shows in which strangers paint one another's rooms the color of phlegm and then feign mutual delight. Once you know you can swim in the deep end of human connection, it's fun to splash around in the shallows.

    膚淺。和陽(yáng)春白雪的人群呆在一起，就算他們?nèi)藬?shù)不多，如果你感性一點(diǎn)，就會(huì)覺(jué)得精神緊崩、喘不過(guò)氣。這時(shí)候，膚淺可以是一個(gè)愉快的選擇。發(fā)一封傻傻的笑話(huà)郵件。邀朋友一起看電視節(jié)目（節(jié)目中有人把別人房間漆成和痰一樣的顏色，然后假裝出大家同樂(lè)的樣子）。既能在關(guān)系“深”處暢游，也能在“淺水”中嬉戲。

    I hope you find these disconnection strategies as useful as I do. By striking a balance between the imperative to "only connect" and the need for individuation, you really will relax your psyche and your relationships, making your life as a whole more joyful, more loving.

    我發(fā)現(xiàn)這些脫離策略很有用，希望你也這樣認(rèn)為。命令自己有選擇地和他人聯(lián)系，同時(shí)和對(duì)個(gè)性的需求保持平衡，你就將能放松心情和關(guān)系，讓生活整體上更快樂(lè)、更有愛(ài)。