After a little tiff with her husband, a friend wrote recently about her dismay at seeing her seven-month-old baby's reaction. The little guy was actually 'watching us, his little head flitting from my face to (my husband's) face. It freaked me out,' my friend wrote.

In response to a recent post on resolving conflicts in a marriage, many of you shared thoughtful and sometimes opposing views on an important question: Is it OK to argue with your spouse in front of the kids? And if so, how?

As my friend's experience shows, children are kind of like little litmus strips, the canaries in the coal mine of marital stress: they absorb the emotional climate around them. Posting here, another mother was similarly alarmed when her three-year-old son, after seeing her and her husband have a minor disagreement, stomped angrily up to his father and chastised him for 'being mean to Mama.'

In thoughtful comments, some of you aired the 'little pitchers have big ears' view, that parents should avoid fighting in front of the kids. But other commenters said children 'need to see examples of healthy disagreements and resolution,' as one poster wrote. An adult child of divorce added: 'My parents almost never fought, and they were suddenly divorced. I personally think it's good for (children) to see glimpses of your struggles, so they understand that marriage really is for better or for worse.'

One marriage expert says parents' behavior should depend on the age of their kids, and also on a tougher criterion: how the couple argue. John Gottman, a professor emeritus of psychology at University of Washington and author of several books on marriage, recommends that babies never witness parents' fights; infants' blood pressure actually rises when they sense conflict and they may have a hard time calming down afterward, he writes in 'And Baby Makes Three.'

Between the ages of 4 and 8, he says, it's OK to have minor disagreements in front of the kids, but make sure to resolve it in front of them and either kiss and make up, or use words to explain to the children that you've worked out the problem. With older children, though, arguments raise two fears: that their parents will break up, and also that they're the cause of the dispute. They need reassurance that parents can work out their differences providing you can offer it honestly.

A new study underscores that it's how parents fight in front of the kids not whether they fight that matters most. Parents who disagree in constructive ways, by actively solving problems together and continuing to show affection for each other during disputes can actually aid their kids' development, says research on 235 families published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry. Children who witnessed these kinds of parental disputes also tended to be more emotionally secure and well-adjusted socially. In contrast, children whose parents showed aggression or hostility during arguments, or behaved in passive-aggressive ways, withdrawing or giving their partners the silent treatment, tended a year later to be measurably less secure and to show more social problems, as reflected by parent and teacher questionnaires.

Readers, how do you decide whether and when to air disputes with your spouse or partner in front of the kids? What effect do your conflicts have on your kids, and have you found other ways to help your children through them?

一位朋友不久前與丈夫發(fā)生口角，她注意到自己7個(gè)月大的孩子的反應(yīng)，并寫下了由此而產(chǎn)生的悔恨情緒。她寫道，小家伙其實(shí)是在看著我們，他的小腦袋在我倆的面孔之間轉(zhuǎn)來轉(zhuǎn)去。這種情形讓我極度不安。

在針對本欄目最近一篇有關(guān)解決婚姻中矛盾沖突的文章發(fā)表評論時(shí)，許多讀者就一個(gè)重大問題貢獻(xiàn)了富有創(chuàng)見的觀點(diǎn)，有時(shí)讀者的觀點(diǎn)還會相左。這個(gè)問題就是：能在孩子面前跟另一半吵架嗎？如果可以，那應(yīng)該怎么做？

正如我那位朋友的經(jīng)歷所顯示的那樣，如果說婚姻像個(gè)煤礦，那孩子們就有點(diǎn)像預(yù)報(bào)瓦斯?jié)舛鹊慕鸾z雀：他們會吸收周圍的情緒氣氛。還有一位母親也發(fā)貼講述了與那位朋友相似的經(jīng)歷，她三歲的兒子看到她與丈夫起了點(diǎn)小爭執(zhí)，于是憤怒地朝爸爸跺腳，譴責(zé)他“對媽媽不好”。

在評論中，一些讀者宣揚(yáng)“人小耳朵靈”的觀點(diǎn)，認(rèn)為做父母的應(yīng)該避免在孩子面前吵架。但也有一些人發(fā)表評論說，孩子們需要看到有益的爭執(zhí)和解決方式的例子。一位父母離異的成年讀者說，我父母幾乎從不吵架，結(jié)果他們突然一下子就離婚了。我個(gè)人認(rèn)為，讓孩子偶爾看到父母爭吵也有好處，這樣他們就能知道父母婚姻狀況是好是壞。

一位婚姻專家說，父母的行為應(yīng)當(dāng)取決于孩子的年齡，也取決于一個(gè)更嚴(yán)格的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)：兩口子吵架的方式是什么樣的。華盛頓大學(xué)心理學(xué)名譽(yù)教授高特曼(John Gottman)建議說，絕對不能讓嬰兒看到父母爭吵。高特曼出版過多本關(guān)于婚姻問題的著作，他在《孩子成就三口之家》(And Baby Makes Three)一書中寫道，當(dāng)幼兒感覺到父母發(fā)生矛盾時(shí)，他們的血壓會升高，之后可能要費(fèi)很大力氣才能讓他們平靜下來。

高特曼說，孩子4－8歲期間，在他們面前起點(diǎn)小爭執(zhí)是沒關(guān)系的，但一定要當(dāng)著孩子們的面解決問題，要么親吻一下對方以示和好，要么向孩子解釋你們已經(jīng)將問題解決掉了。不過，對于大一點(diǎn)的孩子，吵架會讓他們產(chǎn)生兩方面的擔(dān)心：認(rèn)為父母會分手，以及覺得自己是導(dǎo)致父母不和的原因。他們需要父母的保證，說他們能解決分歧，不過要真心實(shí)意地說出這話才行。

一項(xiàng)新的研究強(qiáng)調(diào)，最重要的是父母在孩子面前吵架的方式，而不是是否爭吵。Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry雜志上發(fā)表了一項(xiàng)對235個(gè)家庭進(jìn)行研究的結(jié)果：如果父母爭執(zhí)方式得當(dāng)，比如說在爭執(zhí)過程中一起積極解決問題，并一直表現(xiàn)出對彼此的感情，這種情況事實(shí)上會有助于孩子的成長。目睹過父母以這種方式爭吵的孩子往往情緒更穩(wěn)定，在社交活動中也更容易適應(yīng)。相比之下，對父母和老師進(jìn)行的問卷調(diào)查顯示，如果父母在爭吵過程中表現(xiàn)出攻擊性或敵意，或是有消極攻擊的行為，比如說掉頭而去或是對伴侶不理不睬，那么孩子在一年以后往往會出現(xiàn)顯著的情緒不穩(wěn)定跡象，在社交方面也會遇到更多問題。

讀者們，在當(dāng)著孩子們面爭吵這個(gè)問題上，你們?nèi)绾螞Q定應(yīng)不應(yīng)該爭吵以及爭吵的時(shí)機(jī)？你們的矛盾對孩子有什么影響，你有沒有找出別的辦法幫助孩子渡過這樣的時(shí)刻？