Already spent your bailout money? Not to worry, the Grinder has Five Rules for living high on a low budget.

Most of the money-saving tips you read are pretty lame. You know, that Martha Stewart/Happy Homemaker "brush your teeth with baking soda" stuff. Do you really need someone to tell you that cooking at home is cheaper than going out, or that generics are cheaper than name brands? After exhaustively testing dozen of money-saving methods, including do-it-yourself dentistry and using an extension cord to steal electricity from the neighbors, the Grinder has come up with Five Rules you can really use.

#5 Stop Driving Like an Idiot

Flooring the gas pedal, braking hard and flooring it again through traffic is the driving style of a moron. It wastes gas, will wear out the vehicle sooner, and ends up costing you big bucks in speeding tickets and insurance premiums. Also, driving that way makes you look like a teenage, zit-faced douchebag who thinks that having a leadfoot makes him a big man. There is a time to drive fast, people, and it is not when anyone else can see you.

#4 Buy in Bulk

Sure, times are tight and it's hard to stockpile. If all your money is going to food, shelter and clothing, stocking up on cotton swabs just doesn't have much appeal. But buying in volume at club stores like Sam's and Costco will save you major bank, particularly if you only buy items you are absolutely sure to use. Avoid, for instance, the 50-gallon drum of Hot Tamales. You will only end up hating a candy you once loved. Toilet paper is a better choice. Barring a colostomy, as long as you draw breath upon the earth, there will never, ever be a time in your life when you will not need toilet paper; which is either scary or weirdly comforting, depending on your worldview. Granted, there is something awkward about approaching a checkout counter with, say, 2,000 rolls of toilet paper in tow. People might think you have a hideous bowel disease or perhaps a fiber fetish. Either that or they'll think you are planning a really awesome prank.

#3 Pay For Sex

As every man suspects in his dark little heart, getting sex from escorts is much cheaper in the long run than bars and dating. Also, with an escort, you are considerably more likely to have sex. Considerably. Sure, patronizing hookers can give you nasty diseases and leave you spiritually bereft, unable to truly connect with another human soul. So? These are tough times. Everyone has to make sacrifices. Yours might have to be intimacy.

#2 Sneak liquor into bars, concerts and night clubs

First, please note that sneaking booze into places that sell liquor is almost always illegal—a big liquor code violation. It is also vaguely immoral. If everyone did it, after all, the bars would go out of business. Also keep in mind that you might get busted; embarrassed in front of your friends, tossed out on your ass (literally), and possibly be roughed up by a steroid-addled bouncer with nothing better to do than take out his lifelong frustrations on your rib cage. That said, a $20 half-pint of vodka will get you just as buzzed as $100 worth of drinks at the bar.

#1 Don't Buy Crap

If you are a woman, and your home was not recently destroyed in a flood, fire or other natural disaster, there is at least one thing we can say about you, with no other knowledge of your life, and be sure that it is utterly and incontrovertibly true: You already have enough shoes. Don't buy more. Men can apply the previous statement to themselves. Just replace the word "shoes" with "hats."

你已經(jīng)花費(fèi)自己救急用的錢(qián)了嗎？不要擔(dān)心，Grinder有教你五招如何低預(yù)算過(guò)高水準(zhǔn)生活。

你讀過(guò)的大多數(shù)省錢(qián)竅門(mén)都站不住腳。你知道，瑪莎·斯圖爾特/快樂(lè)家庭主婦推薦“用碳酸氫鈉刷牙”。但你真的需要有人告訴你，在家里做飯比在飯店吃便宜嗎，或告訴你仿制的比知名品牌便宜嗎？經(jīng)過(guò)詳盡的測(cè)試十幾種省錢(qián)的方法，其中包括DIY牙科護(hù)理和使用延長(zhǎng)電線從鄰居家偷電，Grinder推薦了五條您可以真正使用的規(guī)則。

＃ 5停止像白癡一樣駕駛

駕車(chē)時(shí)踩油門(mén)，硬剎車(chē)和反復(fù)踩油門(mén)是低能兒的駕駛風(fēng)格。這樣做即浪費(fèi)汽油，又加快汽車(chē)磨損，并且最終你會(huì)付出更多的超速罰單和保險(xiǎn)費(fèi)用。此外，這種駕駛風(fēng)格會(huì)使你看起來(lái)像一個(gè)乳臭未干、滿臉青春痘的傻逼，這些人總以為開(kāi)得快就牛逼。其實(shí)當(dāng)沒(méi)人看到你的時(shí)候，你完全可以開(kāi)快點(diǎn)。

＃ 4批量購(gòu)物

當(dāng)然，時(shí)間緊，很難儲(chǔ)存。如果你所有的錢(qián)都用來(lái)吃飯，付房費(fèi)和買(mǎi)衣物，囤積棉花棒確實(shí)沒(méi)有太多的吸引力。但在俱樂(lè)部商店成批購(gòu)物，比如山姆商店和Costco，將會(huì)為你節(jié)省一大筆錢(qián)，特別是如果你購(gòu)買(mǎi)的物品是你絕對(duì)要用的。例如避免批量購(gòu)買(mǎi)50加侖的熱玉米面包餡卷。那樣你只會(huì)討厭你曾喜歡的糖果。衛(wèi)生紙是一個(gè)比較好的選擇。除結(jié)腸造口手術(shù)之外，只要你在世一天，你就需要衛(wèi)生紙。這即令人感到恐怖又令人感到欣慰，這取決于您的世界觀。當(dāng)然，接近結(jié)帳柜臺(tái)時(shí)也會(huì)碰到尷尬的場(chǎng)面，也就是說(shuō)，一次成批購(gòu)買(mǎi)2000卷衛(wèi)生紙。人們可能會(huì)認(rèn)為你有一個(gè)可怕的腸道疾病或者纖維戀物癖。要么或者他們會(huì)認(rèn)為你是一個(gè)令人敬畏的惡作劇。

＃ 3花錢(qián)做愛(ài)

由于每個(gè)男人都會(huì)懷疑自己邪惡的一面，從長(zhǎng)遠(yuǎn)來(lái)看，從臨時(shí)女友身上得到性愛(ài)比從酒吧和約會(huì)時(shí)得到性愛(ài)要便宜的多了。此外，你和臨時(shí)女友當(dāng)然更有可能發(fā)生性行為。相當(dāng)有可能。的確，招妓可能會(huì)讓你傳染性病，并且你在精神上感到空虛，更無(wú)法真正觸及另一個(gè)人的靈魂。所以呢？這些都是艱難的時(shí)刻。每個(gè)人不得不作出犧牲。你的臨時(shí)女友可能不得不要和你發(fā)生性行為。

＃ 2把酒偷偷地帶進(jìn)酒吧、音樂(lè)會(huì)和夜總會(huì)

首先，請(qǐng)注意，偷偷帶酒到賣(mài)酒的地方幾乎都是非法的——重大的酒法規(guī)違例。并且，這也是不道德的。如果每個(gè)人都這樣做，畢竟，酒吧將會(huì)倒閉。同時(shí)請(qǐng)記住，您可能會(huì)被逮��；在你的朋友面前出丑,摔爛你的屁股，并有可能被激素失調(diào)的保鏢粗暴對(duì)待，并把他們一生的挫折感發(fā)泄在你身上。話雖如此，但20美元的半品脫的伏特加就等于在酒吧消費(fèi)價(jià)值100美元的飲料。

＃ 1不買(mǎi)沒(méi)用的

如果你是一個(gè)女人，你的家最近沒(méi)有被水災(zāi)，火災(zāi)或其他自然災(zāi)害摧毀，在不了解你的生活的情況下，至少有一件事我們可以對(duì)你發(fā)表意見(jiàn)，并且可以肯定它完全毫無(wú)疑義是事實(shí)：你已經(jīng)有足夠的鞋。不要再買(mǎi)了。把“鞋”換成“帽子”，這句話對(duì)男人來(lái)說(shuō)也是適用的。